Big community funding update! Caveats for married couple about to share their house with divorcing friend? June 1, 1: We are a married couple early 30s who have a comfortable home with a spare room. Our male friend late 30s is separating from his wife and needs a place to stay during this transition. He discussed moving into a bedsit but we offered him our spare room and he has enthusiastically accepted.
We have considered how to prepare the spare room furniture, we have thought about bathroom sharing My husbands friend is staying with us we have an en-suite and a main bathroomhow our privacy is going to be impacted by having a third party in our home even though they are our best friend. Has anyone experienced going from being a married couple in their home to sharing with someone else for a period of months, or any thoughts on what we might need to think through in advance?
We are married and have been living together alone, as a couple, for the past 5 years.
He has been married for over a decade now, but is separating from his wife. They have been living in their home together under increasingly difficult circumstances - they have not been a "couple" for almost a year and our friend has decided that staying there to be with his 6 year old child is no longer feasible. They are separating due to irreconcilable differences. We have met and like her, does he have free reign to invite her over whenever he likes?
Or as the homeowners with him as our "lodger" can we set preferences for houseguests? This will also impact when and how frequently he would have his child around - we are not sure what limits there need to be in place if at all.
We would like some advice on how to balance friendship and boundaries while living together. We know we need to have a talk with him before he moves in about when he intends to move out. We have mentally set his stay at
My husbands friend is staying with us 6 months, should we provisionally set a time where we evaluate the situation such as a month or two in?
Also, before all this came to the fore we three did actually go away on holiday where we all were ill but still had a nice time in a small apartment. Just a 10 day trial as it were but still a precedent perhaps for our ability to tolerate one another under less then ideal circumstances.
Have you ever been in this situation yourself on either side? What do you wish people had warned you about before going in? You are of course free to make any sorts of rules given that it is your house, but given that you have extended your charity to this guy I'd be surprised by your treating him more strictly than if you had a paying tenet in an apartment. It sounds like he isnt paying rent Impacts a lot of these choices. If they're quiet and not using common areas constantly it should not be your business.
Not without seeming to be really uptight. If you're inviting him in, you're inviting his kid. Makes sense to say: We're still best friends.
I would ask why he's staying, first of all. Is it so he has friends around for support and to ward off loneliness? Is it just for a couch and a place "My husbands friend is staying with us" his stuff? In the latter case, six months sounds more than generous to me. Unless you are in an area where housing is extremely hard to come by, he should be able to find an apartment for himself in a few weeks, and it would be in everyone's interest that he do so, so that you can keep your privacy and he can set his own terms with seeing his kid and his new girlfriend.
I think you should offer whatever moral support or legwork that you can that allows him to move into his own place as soon as practical. He might be too busy with divorce proceedings or not in the mood to look at places, but maybe you can help screen apartments and narrow down a list for him. That will be alot more valuable than just letting him crash your place indefinitely.
I've hosted friends in duress a number of times now with my husband - huge swathes of problems can be solved ahead of time by sitting down and hashing out a number of things ahead of time, so that nobody has any weird notions later on down the line.
Money money money money. Is your friend going to contribute to the household finances? Is he going to be buying his own groceries or contributing to the household grocery stocks? Will he buy his own detergent? These things can sneak up on you - he thinks it's fine that he's using the lunch meat every day, and you're getting increasingly puzzled over your diminishing supplies of sandwich materials, until the two of you go boom at one another.
Running a smooth household for three is different than running it for two - and more expensive. Get the financial out on the table well before he moves in. There are a lot of things here to work out, either ahead of time preferably or as they come up but expect it to be a kind of constant thing. He has a bedroom for himself - but what about his use of the common areas? Are you comfortable with the idea of him bringing over guests? Arbitrarily, or only people you've met personally this has been my rule, whether or not it makes me "uptight", I just don't like having strangers in my home?
And what about when you have guests - will he be expected to stay elsewhere? I find that living with someone else is most difficult when you have different ideas of space - for my current roomie, she envisions the whole house as "the space" whereas I'm more likely to divide it up into "her space, his space, space for that purpose".
It's a good idea to talk about this so it doesn't bite you unexpectedly when you discover that he's got a problem with you being in the living room "all the time" when he wants to watch a movie all by his lonesome, or something.
I don't know - I can never predict the issues, only head them off at the pass the next time around. If he asks you or your husband to do something "hey, could you get a shower a little later in the morning, if it's not inconvenient?
I don't have enough hot water on the current schedule" and you agree, stick to it. You guys are good friends, so it's likely you'll be able to work this out well, but keep in mind this fundamental concept: We try to be respectful of each other, but it doesn't always work because the golden rule only goes so far.
I leave the light on at night because I would want My husbands friend is staying with us else to do that for me - for the super green roomie, it's wasteful and a sign of disrespect "what, I can't figure out how to turn it on myself if I need "My husbands friend is staying with us"
It'll take a little while to figure out what bugs you about living with each other - talk it out well before it gets to the stage of frustrating you and you'll have a lot of problems solved. Had a friend move in during my first marriage, not due to divorce, but other personal issues: If there's no pre-set endpoint, you're guaranteed he'll stay long enough to feel like an interloper.
And, in general, what are his chore responsibilities? I've had several friends who have either been the 3rd party living with a married couple, or part of the married couple with a live-in friend -- cost of housing makes for these sorts of arrangements common in some areas, and a open discussion of everyone's responsibilities is the big part, I think.
Friends of mine did this exact same thing and the guy was supposed to only stay until the end of the semester. Then guy couldn't find a new place and since guy was couple's friend they felt bad about throwing him on street.
Now guy is still living there and will move out "at the end of the summer". I wouldn't be surprised if he tries the same thing then. I think this can work but the really tricky part if it were me would be having to kick him out of the need arises even though he's your best Agree a timetable for him to move out again and stick to it.
I had another thought which may be relevant to your situation: Be careful not to fall into the trap of not having enough private time each of you separately, and the couple unit of you and your husband together. Hanging out all the time will seem great at first, but it will be much better in the long run if you still schedule time to hang out - "hey, what about Thursday night?
As an introvert, this has been especially important to me, so that I'm not constantly feeling like I'm on output mode, socializing in my own home and unable to relax. It doesn't sound like it's an issue, but if you want to remain friends with his current wife I'd definitely give this one some thought. She may see it as you taking his side - which might be ok with you, of course, but it's something to think about.
A set length for the My husbands friend is staying with us is a really good idea.
Good luck, it's a very nice thing you're doing, by the way. Be prepared for the fact that one or both of you will always be mentally "on. That is going to get old. Ground rules are your friends. As for the kid: We just want to know so that we will know what to expect. That all said, you're doing a good thing. The way to keep it good is to lay down ground rules and expectations about exiting the situation NOW. Think of it as a plan to ensure that you are all friends after this is over with.
Before he moves in, you need to put in writing it can be informal, but make it clear what your expectations are regarding: We hosted a hubby's friend without any of this outlined.
I thought "10 days, a month? What could be so bad? Buddy's a nice guy. In the heat of the moment you find his new girlfriend eating your ramen or you start taking over the TV room more than you anticipated, everyone will have the detachment granted by that piece of paper so you can mediate conflicts. I'm not a lawyer, but I don't think you need a lawyer to jot down "House Rules" for someone who will be occupying your house.
Even the "nice guy" can be a crap roommate. Plus, your friend is in a really rough situation now. Making things clear and well-defined will make one less thing My husbands friend is staying with us needs to figure out. Any issues you have with your friend now will be amplified exponentially due to prolonged exposure.
It makes everything really weird. Another thing to consider: My sister (who is a lovely houseguest) stayed with us for 10 days and we stopped having sex My Darling Husband is rarely home when I am not anyway. Had a friend move in during my first marriage, not due to divorce, but We had a friend My husbands friend is staying with us with us for ~3 months while he transitioned into a.
Husband's friend staying with us I'm 36+5 weeks pregnant with our second child. A few days ago my husband invited his friend to stay with.
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Can tell what I'm thinking?:|Had a friend move in during my first marriage, not due to divorce, but We had a friend stay with us for ~3 months while he transitioned into a. Is that wrong? "He told me they are just friends, but he has been leaving me to go hang out with her," she frets. Shutterstock Husband's Friendship With Women In contrast, Jill says that, in her marriage, both she and her husband have friends of the opposite sex. . 1) Stay in touch while you sleep..
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I Share My Boyfriend With His Husband
My husband's friend is making me want to move out.
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